I know it's only rock and roll...but that's not right.

Every so often something happens that makes you take a step back and look at what is going on.  This post isn't about the usual practical tips for the fret-wrestling population.  It is about prejudice. It was dressed up as something else, but that is what it was - plain and simple. I just didn't think it would ever happen to me.

I am writing this, because in my day-job I work with companies to help them make their workplaces free of discrimination.  I am also writing this as an emotional safety valve.  So here's the story.

I'd been playing with a successful covers band for about nine months. The band gets 30-40 bookings per year, and most of them are weddings and parties. There are a few pub and charity gigs thrown in which normally lead to more bookings.   Things were really rolling this year and, for the first time in a long time, playing music was paying for itself. But we wanted to step it up a notch. None of us had any illusions about giving up our day jobs, but we wanted to see how far we could go.

We responded to an ad from one of the UK's largest agencies and they listened to the demos, checked the website and some testimonials, and then invited us down to play a showcase. On offer was some investment from them to make the band one of their flagship acts. The deal included studio time, show-reel videos, online marketing, and performance coaching.

We rehearsed like mad and during the showcase we played all out. It was 30 minutes of sheer joy for us. After they were really interested, excited even.

A couple of days later, they contacted the lead singer to say they wanted to take it forward and start working with the band.  Well, we all got very excited until the 'BUT....'

The agency had concerns. Namely, that having 'an older face' in the band (a.k.a. me) meant that we would not 'look like a band' and that, in turn, would put people off. This would make it difficult to market us and to get a return on their investment.  It was something they were not prepared to discuss.

At the time of writing this I am 46. My profile pic on this blog was taken two years ago.

I don't know who it was harder for - me listening to it, or the singer having to tell me. Curiously, it happened the weekend after there was outcry in the UK when Simon Cowell told a street dancer on Britain's Got Talent that he was too old (at 28) to be in the dance group he set up and ran! I am sure it is a coincidence, and nobody could be so easily influenced.

Anyway I decided to take a bullet for the band and move on.

But this article is not about me or whether the agency are right or wrong factually. That is irrelevant - ultimately, they could have blown off the whole band and told us we weren't what they were looking for. Or even the classic "We'll call you".  It is their money and they can invest it anyway they like.

This article is about the bias that drives our thinking and behaviour. And what is causing the sour taste in my mouth.

We are all biased - a polite word for prejudiced. Wow! That's a hell of a statement.  But like it or not we all are biased, to one extent or another. That means that we have preferences. Some of these are innate and some are conscious. These biases are built and reinforced by our families, traditions, culture, and the world around us as we grow up. They might be about the music we listen to, the work we want to do, the places we go, the food we like and a whole host of other things including the people with whom we like to associate based on their accent, their behaviour, their weight, religion, politics or the colour of their skin. What is important is what you do about your bias.

I grew up in the seventies in Britain. Back then newspapers and TV shows portrayed shocking stereotypes of 'foreigners' as stupid, difficult or untrustworthy, often using offensive language. I lived in a place where everybody was British and white, and I had no way of learning about people who were different to me.  So if it hadn't been for my teachers and my parents I'd have been exposed to a very one-sided view of people.  It would have been easy to mature into a bigot. (A bigot is a person who takes harmful actions based on their own unfounded bias and prejudice, and then justifies it as some kind of world view). And it would have seemed very natural, and no one would have noticed.

Unchecked and unquestioned, our biases will drive our thinking and choices without us knowing, prompting us to make irrational assumptions that can drive our behaviour and harm others. It is a chain reaction. The danger is that it is like the carbon monoxide of morality - it creeps up on you.

Here's how the chain reaction works:

1. An assumption is made on bias.  It is often disguised and rationalised.

For example, if I am only used to seeing 'young' people in bands, then it is quite likely that I will develop an innate sense that this is the norm.  When I see a band that has someone who is 'older', this will feel different.  I may associate this feeling of difference as 'wrong' and I may unconsciously intellectualise this in a statement like 'this not how bands are supposed to work'.

In fact what I am saying is "I don't feel comfortable with this, it is different. I want it to fit my view of the world. I want it to be the same because it is easier for me."

2. A decision is made on the assumption as 'fact'.

For example, "proper bands only have 'young' people in them, and people won't like or book a band that don't all look the same age".  What is actually going on here is rationalisation.

The problem here is not disproving the rationale or revealing that it is just an assumption - that's easy. In this case, simply ask "How many times have you seen an 'older' person in a band and it has ruined your night/party/event?"

The problem is getting people to let go of the assumption. Under questioning, it will often transform into more rationalising about the special requirements of the situation often dressed up as "You don't understand how it works..."

In fact, what they are saying is "I think the world thinks like me and I am afraid/unwilling to challenge the status quo so I won't work with you. I am choosing to reinforce the prejudice."

A decision has been made. A shitty one more often than not, all dressed up with 'facts'.   The decision is "I'm going to do what everyone else does because that feels comfortable. I will not not rock the boat (even if it is an imaginary boat floating on a sea of nonsense)."

Of course, don't forget the "It's not my fault", "I don't make the rules" defence.

3. Action is communicated on the decision. 

The action is often indirect and/or relies on a third party or the wronged party to deliver the message. Effectively the victim is blamed.

This may often be dressed up as a practical solution to "a difficult situation we all wish didn't exist, but it does." Sometimes, where a group of people is involved, it may be dressed up as some kind of magnaminous opportunity to "make your own decision amongst yourselves".  In fact, the bigot is simply protecting themselves from an uncomfortable situation and shielding their own world view from challenge.

So in the end, a singer and a guitarist who have been playing music together on and off for twenty years have a conversation based on love and respect, to make the best of the situation.  

In Britain in the sixties, many hotels displayed a sign saying "No Irish, no dogs" and the landlady refused to open the door. The signs are different now.

So I feel compelled to take a bullet for the team. They need it more than I do. It felt like I didn't have a choice.  But the part that is troubling me is that I may have just colluded in the whole thing.  As long as the bigot is safe, and can deny what they are doing.

By not challenging it directly, have I just become part of the problem?  Maybe that is what is making me feel so bad. Not the 'harm' inflicted on me, but my own bystander apathy, my acceptance of powerlessness.

This is not unusual where prejudice is at work.  One thing I can be sure of is that the agency in question are not feeling like this.

"I'll take the quiet life. A handshake of carbon monoxide. No alarms. No surprises."
No Surprises. RADIOHEAD

Check yourself.